Current Life and Memories...

Life had been a hectic one for me in the past 1 month. Works seemed to be endless, they keep pilling up more and more and I guess I kinda lost my life; many nights without good rest, many hours facing the comp, and there's only work and more work in my brain. Sigh... I guess such life won't stop till the end of this semester since assignments are pilling up for now, not to mention mid-terms are coming.

I didn't feel pressured all these while, but I believed subconsciously I do feel the pressure cos there are times where my mind only think about my work. So much so that sometimes i wake up on my own even when i just had 3-4 hours of sleep. Lack of rest can make a grumpy person, plus the fact that there was one recent event that really gives me a big impact... my ex's dad had just passed away last month when she just recovered from her depression... Sigh...

Whenever I think back of her history of depression, I do feel afraid maybe cos I'm a psychology student myself and I know pretty well how a depress person will think and act. And ya, I do blame myself heavily for being part of the cause of her depression every now and then, mainly because I wasn't there for her when she needs me, and worst still, I didn't even know she had depression till it got pretty serious! Such a lousy bf rite? I guess part of me can't really forgive myself for partially contributing such sickness to her especially now after knowing her dad's news... There is no way I can help her for now cos... I guess she would like to keep a distant between us which is understandable... Sigh, all i can do is to pray she will be fine, and trust her that she will be able to take good care of herself.

I hardly talk about my real feelings to people, dun ask me why. People always see me as a jovial person, and jovial is indeed my nature. Yet there are times when I do feel kinda demotivated due to the lousy ways I handled some of my things. I once told a friend how to let go, but I guess I'm heavily imprisoned by some of my past. Overly strong principles, stubbornness, and some stupid schemas were what the past had shaped me. As much as I tried to change, yet this 'Lucifer' in me will just pop out whenever I start to lose myself sometimes.

Last month I had a very silly heated arguement with my pet sis over some small matter, cos of this. This week again, I had a very big misunderstanding with a close friend of mine due to some of my stupid action due to my principles again. As much as I tried to control, it seemed that there are times where I will just revert back to my old-self without me knowing it consciously. It sux, really sux cos I guess I might have lost 2 very good friends in the period of one month.

I'm not sure if I can remedized the situation, nor I'm not sure if we will still be as close as in the past, but one thing for sure is I would really need to learn to let go my past and memories. Wish me all the best...