Current Life and Memories...

Life had been a hectic one for me in the past 1 month. Works seemed to be endless, they keep pilling up more and more and I guess I kinda lost my life; many nights without good rest, many hours facing the comp, and there's only work and more work in my brain. Sigh... I guess such life won't stop till the end of this semester since assignments are pilling up for now, not to mention mid-terms are coming.

I didn't feel pressured all these while, but I believed subconsciously I do feel the pressure cos there are times where my mind only think about my work. So much so that sometimes i wake up on my own even when i just had 3-4 hours of sleep. Lack of rest can make a grumpy person, plus the fact that there was one recent event that really gives me a big impact... my ex's dad had just passed away last month when she just recovered from her depression... Sigh...

Whenever I think back of her history of depression, I do feel afraid maybe cos I'm a psychology student myself and I know pretty well how a depress person will think and act. And ya, I do blame myself heavily for being part of the cause of her depression every now and then, mainly because I wasn't there for her when she needs me, and worst still, I didn't even know she had depression till it got pretty serious! Such a lousy bf rite? I guess part of me can't really forgive myself for partially contributing such sickness to her especially now after knowing her dad's news... There is no way I can help her for now cos... I guess she would like to keep a distant between us which is understandable... Sigh, all i can do is to pray she will be fine, and trust her that she will be able to take good care of herself.

I hardly talk about my real feelings to people, dun ask me why. People always see me as a jovial person, and jovial is indeed my nature. Yet there are times when I do feel kinda demotivated due to the lousy ways I handled some of my things. I once told a friend how to let go, but I guess I'm heavily imprisoned by some of my past. Overly strong principles, stubbornness, and some stupid schemas were what the past had shaped me. As much as I tried to change, yet this 'Lucifer' in me will just pop out whenever I start to lose myself sometimes.

Last month I had a very silly heated arguement with my pet sis over some small matter, cos of this. This week again, I had a very big misunderstanding with a close friend of mine due to some of my stupid action due to my principles again. As much as I tried to control, it seemed that there are times where I will just revert back to my old-self without me knowing it consciously. It sux, really sux cos I guess I might have lost 2 very good friends in the period of one month.

I'm not sure if I can remedized the situation, nor I'm not sure if we will still be as close as in the past, but one thing for sure is I would really need to learn to let go my past and memories. Wish me all the best...

Four Letter Word... "SIGH"

I sigh cos how things are so unfair for you...

I sigh at the chain events that keep befalling into a person that don't deserve all such shits...

I sigh cos I can't do anything at all to help your current situation...

I sigh cos I was partly the reason you got your sickness in the past...

I sigh cos I didn't do enough for you in the past...

I sigh...

How cruel can life be? Why must a nice person like you kept experiencing shitty life events. Why? I really can't understand...

Is cruelty such an important essence in life? It could be true to some extend, but how cruel when bad things keep happened on someone that doesn't deserve it? Is this the way of the world? I really can't understand...

I wish there are things that I can do to help your situation, but I really dunno what I can do except sending you regards and asking those I knew to look after you. I wished I can do more, as a close friend, to share some of your burden. I heard you're strong, but please don't try too hard to be strong k?

I really wish to know your situation and hope things are better for you and your family. Lemme know if there is anything I can do for you...

Thanks for everyone's concern.

I can't help but to express my thanks to most of my friends. I met with a minor motor accident yesterday and was lucky to escape with some minor injuries, and the reaction from those I knew make me feel really touched.

Some of you took the trouble to drive me to dinner around 10+ yesterday night when you know I haven't take my dinner.

Some of you purposely went to buy some medicine for me during night time.

Some of you called and smsed me when you know I met with an accident, offering kind and caring words.

Some of you gave a number of advises even though I was supposed to know better (due to me being older :( ), which shows your concern for me.

Some of you purposely cooked lunch for me and even gave me medicine.

Some of you purposely call me during my exam and ask me for dinner tonight, fearing I had difficulties walking to food stalls.

Ya, you read it right, someone called me during my exam, 3 times and it was from someone I hardly contact. She gave a total a 10 miss calls when I looked back, but the funny thing is Dr. Hera approached me and confiscated my HP and passed to Dr. Anasuya. I tried to approach her to get my phone back, Dr. Hera and Farah was willing to give me back the phone but Dr. Anasuya acted otherwise. She asked me to find Dr. Goh (he's our head of department) which I did thx to a friend who drive me there.

Upon there, I saw the fat butt of Anasuya walking towards our department of psychology, and me, being the limping one walked slower than her even though she was triple my size (ok, its only double). I saw her passing the phone to Dr. Goh and earsdrop Dr. Goh saying its ok so long the student doesn't cheat. Feeling relieved, I approached Dr. Goh and to suprise, Anasuya laughed the hell out of me when she saw me. I was like OMG you fatass, is there such a need when there are so many students outside her room waiting to collect their assignments. If you've been to her counselling classes, you will know how terrible her laughter is...

I felt like Winnie for a moment, as of all sudden eyes grow behind my back and I can "see" many people staring at me like I'm some sort of American Idol winner grabbing all the attention. Luckily I wasn't some sort of low self-esteem guy and don't give a damn about public opinion haha, cos my sole purpose is to get back my phone.

I went into Dr. Goh's room and he was so kind and asked how was the exam and also about my condition when he noticed me limping. I can't use any words to express my admiration on this man, I hardly idolize anyone but I have to say I really admire him alot. After a 10 minutes chat on other issues, he passed me back my phone and I got a "HAPPY ENDING" (CK, 2008). HAHAHA...

I can't understand...

I was extremely pissed yesterday cos one of my hardwork assgn was copied directly by one idiot. I don't mind if it was some of my previous assgn, but this particular one was intended for today's submission, and yea, he basically got my work of 3 days and copied it in less than 5 minutes.

The funny thing is he can still showed me his assgn proudly as reference, and ya, he's a MBA student (MBA = Master in Butohness and Assholeness)... which makes me to wonder why do earth even have enough space for people like him? Dont you think his existance will only waste the earth's resources and oxygen?

And thanks to him, I spent my whole day and night to "redo" the whole thing by changing all words (yes, word by word!) and adding some other key points. Some might say I'm silly, but I do not want this particular assgn to even have the risk of getting caught for copying as it was the last work before graduating from the course. Nor do I want to confront him cos his points are contradicting with his own work.

Oh well, I guess I'm still immatured in some sense for getting so pissed off by this problem, but as what Winnie said, hopefully he will go to opposite of Heaven later!

Memories...

I was a prisoner harnessed by your smile,
led by your eyes,moved by your touch,
and totally captivated by your being,
but still,we couldn't make it through the storm,

So now that things have changed,
there will always be a special place
you will hold deep in my heart,
and I will cherish in my memories,
the smile in your eyes,
the softness of your lips,
the sensuality in your walk

I guess there will never by any describing,
indescribably you.

Another bad day...

Today supposed to be a good day since one of my lil sister is celebrating her b/day with a bunch of friends. I can see everyone had their own joyful time, so I do felt happy for them especially the birthday girl (though it was a delayed celebration). Sad to say I can't enjoy like them due to my own personal problem with my ex, which is a pretty stupid thing to even happen due to the nature of how it happened. Breaking up when both are concerning for each other defies all the freaking theories and logics in this world, what the hell has the world comes to...

Though it had happened already, but I still couldn't accept the fact things happened that way. I felt even more miserable after having some talks with her both yesterday and today. I for one, really feel worry for her on her present well-being as well as future life. I really hope life can be better for her, and sorry Simon, scold me all you want as I know how this event affected you as well. But I'm really glad to know at least u're always there preparing to help me, and you do start to realize it yesterday why this happened. You will always be my good brother in Singapore.

I guess, now I truly understand what it means by loving someone doesn't necessary mean you need to hold onto them, but to share their happiness and they get well in life. I'm not sure if I will ever regret on agreeing on the break-up, only time will tell...

Moody day...

If you're my current classmates, big chance you will be mislead by the title since today was the released of results of last semester. I'm moody, yes, in fact it's bloody moody, but not because of results (I do admit it plays a small part) since most are nearly as what i predicted, but it was because of a call from someone i concerned a lot.

I won't reveal the content of the call, but nonetheless I was really really affected by it, in fact deeply affected. Just wondering why life had to reach such extent at times, why do nice people had to suffer something they don't deserved at all and why (the million dollar word) has this got to happen. Not sure what to say for now, but I can only hope all is well with her...

And to my fellow classmates, whether you did well or not in the exam, please don't feel too down or happy cos our new semester is already here and there won't be much time to grief/celebrate on something that had passed. Let us work harder this semester and get the grades we wanted to fight for HGPA. Gambateh to all!